{"id":1723,"date":"2026-02-18T13:28:13","date_gmt":"2026-02-18T13:28:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.awesomearchie.co.uk\/?p=1723"},"modified":"2026-02-18T13:28:13","modified_gmt":"2026-02-18T13:28:13","slug":"herbie-pda-and-the-power-of-communication","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.awesomearchie.co.uk\/?p=1723","title":{"rendered":"Herbie, PDA, and the Power of Communication"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Every child is unique, but our 3rd son Herbie<\/em> has shown us just how different\u2014and wonderful\u2014communication can be when it\u2019s grounded in understanding, patience, and compassion. Herbie has a diagnosis of Aurism and ADHD and has a PDA profile<\/em> \u2014 a way of being in the world that means everyday demands can feel overwhelming, threatening, or impossible rather than simply annoying or inconvenient.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the biggest shifts in our family life has been learning what PDA actually is<\/em>, and how something as simple as the words we use can make all the difference.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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So What is PDA ? How is it for Herbie)?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a profile of autism characterised by extreme resistance to everyday demands and expectations \u2014 not because a child is defiant or \u201cchooses not to comply,\u201d but because their nervous system interprets demands as threats<\/em>. The moment a demand is felt, it can trigger anxiety, overwhelm or shutdown. Even with percieved or silent demands.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Importantly, PDA has nothing to do with wilfulness<\/em> or lack of discipline from ” weak parenting”. When someone like Herbie with a PDA profile avoids something \u2014 even something they genuinely want \u2014 their body and nervous system<\/em> are reacting as if they\u2019re under threat. This isn\u2019t bad behaviour, it\u2019s a nervous system response<\/em> \u2014 a survival instinct, not a choice. ITS PAINFUL for him at times!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dr Naomi Fisher<\/strong>, a clinical psychologist who works with children and adults with PDA, talks about this extensively. She explains that what looks like avoiding tasks, controlling behaviour, or saying \u201cno\u201d repeatedly is actually a logical response to anxiety<\/em>. The more a child perceives control or pressure \u2014 even indirect pressure \u2014 the more their nervous system goes into survival mode, making demands feel intolerable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In her words, PDA isn\u2019t something to be \u201cfixed\u201d; it\u2019s a profile that needs to be understood<\/em>. For Herbie, this insight has transformed the way we parent, communicate, and support him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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What is Declarative Language \u2014 and Why It Matters<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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One of the most powerful tools we learned about on our PDA journey is declarative language.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\ud83d\udd39 Imperative language<\/em> vs Declarative language<\/em><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Imperative language is directive \u2014 it gives instructions, expectations, or demands. For a child with PDA, even gentle-sounding requests can feel like commands demanding compliance:
\ud83d\udc49 \u201cPut on your shoes.\u201d
\ud83d\udc49 \u201cTime to brush your teeth.\u201d
\ud83d\udc49 \u201cYou have to get ready for bed now.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even when meant kindly, these can trigger anxiety, overwhelm, resistance or shutdown because they feel like pressure to comply<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Declarative language, on the other hand, shares information without asking for compliance<\/em>. It invites awareness, reflection or choice, but doesn\u2019t carry the psychological \u201cthreat\u201d of a demand. Declarative language helps a child feel safe and competent<\/em> rather than cornered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\ud83d\udccc Examples of Declarative Language<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Here are some real-world examples:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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