There’s a saying that spins around in my head on the really tough days:
“Nothing changes if nothing changes.”
And if you’re, like us, parenting a child with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), that truth hits harder than most.
PDA isn’t just a list of behaviours or seemingly rude outbursts. It’s a neurodivergent profile driven by a deep, anxiety-based need to remain in control. This can mean explosive meltdowns, avoidance so intense it looks like defiance, and seemingly unpredictable reactions to the most basic of requests — brushing of teeth, putting on socks or even playing a game they themselves asked to play just five minutes earlier.
Ian and I started Our journey with Herbie thinking we could parent the way we were taught in the standard parenting books.
” If you are in control of your child at all times then you are an effective parent”
We tried sticker charts, timers, reasoning, “just one more chance,” and all the classic parenting scripts written in the MANY ” be a good Parent” books.
But here’s the thing:
PDA doesn’t play by the typical parenting rules.
And the harsh truth is…
Nothing changes if nothing changes! You HAVE to stop parenting in the way you believe that OTHERS think that you should and parent the way that YOUR child needs you to!
You may already know your child has a PDA profile. But knowing it and working with it are two VERY different things.
To see real change — less conflict, more connection and a lot more regulation — we had to stop repeating patterns that simply did’t work. For example, recognising that:
–Demand reduction isn’t giving in.
– Autonomy isn’t permissiveness.
–Collaborative parenting isn’t weakness.
When we started to change how we approached things — from clothing choices to morning routines, homework to how we phrase requests — everything shifted and is continuing to improve every day!
We had to learn that Herbie having control of MOST of his decisions wasn’t us loosing him, we were getting him back!!!!
This proved to us that when we change our approach, we’re not giving in — we’re building trust. We’re showing him that he is safe, understood, and that we’re a team.
For you that might look like:
- Using ” what if statements in place of demands (“I wonder if your coat is nearby” vs “Put your coat on”)
- Reducing demands even for things that seem non-negotiable
- Allowing natural rhythms instead of imposed structure
- Giving choices that aren’t loaded
- Building in time for co-regulation before task completion
Truthfully, for me as a ” bossy” mum by nature it’s not always easy. It’s not instant. But it has changed our family life for the better.
When We Change, They Feel It
The world isn’t always flexible with our kids. But we can be.
We can stop trying to force compliance and instead nurture collaboration.
We can stop repeating what doesn’t work and take the terrifying step into the unfamiliar.
And every time we’ve done this, we have got closer to our AWESOME child hidden far behind the anxiety.
You’re not failing when things feel hard.
You’re not doing it wrong if it’s messy. Neurodivergent parenting is ALWAYS messy, but for us, it is AWESOME!!! So, If you’re stuck in a cycle that’s not working — for you or for your child — take a breath and remember:
“Nothing changes if nothing changes.“
Start small. One phrase. One routine. One moment of curiosity instead of correction. Because those tiny changes? They matter. They build safety, trust, and connection — the foundation your PDA child desperately needs.
And you don’t have to be perfect — just willing to try something different.