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There’s a saying that spins around in my head on the really tough days:
“Nothing changes if nothing changes.”

And if you’re, like us, parenting a child with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), that truth hits harder than most.

PDA isn’t just a list of behaviours or seemingly rude outbursts. It’s a neurodivergent profile driven by a deep, anxiety-based need to remain in control. This can mean explosive meltdowns, avoidance so intense it looks like defiance, and seemingly unpredictable reactions to the most basic of requests — brushing of teeth, putting on socks or even playing a game they themselves asked to play just five minutes earlier.

Ian and I started Our journey with Herbie thinking we could parent the way we were taught in the standard parenting books.

” If you are in control of your child at all times then you are an effective parent”

We tried sticker charts, timers, reasoning, “just one more chance,” and all the classic parenting scripts written in the MANY ” be a good Parent” books.

But here’s the thing:
PDA doesn’t play by the typical parenting rules.

And the harsh truth is…
Nothing changes if nothing changes! You HAVE to stop parenting in the way you believe that OTHERS think that you should and parent the way that YOUR child needs you to!

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You may already know your child has a PDA profile. But knowing it and working with it are two VERY different things.

To see real change — less conflict, more connection and a lot more regulation — we had to stop repeating patterns that simply did’t work. For example, recognising that:

–Demand reduction isn’t giving in.
– Autonomy isn’t permissiveness.
–Collaborative parenting isn’t weakness.

When we started to change how we approached things — from clothing choices to morning routines, homework to how we phrase requests — everything shifted and is continuing to improve every day!

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We had to learn that Herbie having control of MOST of his decisions wasn’t us loosing him, we were getting him back!!!!

This proved to us that when we change our approach, we’re not giving in — we’re building trust. We’re showing him that he is safe, understood, and that we’re a team.

For you that might look like:

Truthfully, for me as a ” bossy” mum by nature it’s not always easy. It’s not instant. But it has changed our family life for the better.

When We Change, They Feel It

The world isn’t always flexible with our kids. But we can be.
We can stop trying to force compliance and instead nurture collaboration.
We can stop repeating what doesn’t work and take the terrifying step into the unfamiliar.

And every time we’ve done this, we have got closer to our AWESOME child hidden far behind the anxiety.

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You’re not failing when things feel hard.
You’re not doing it wrong if it’s messy. Neurodivergent parenting is ALWAYS messy, but for us, it is AWESOME!!! So, If you’re stuck in a cycle that’s not working — for you or for your child — take a breath and remember:

“Nothing changes if nothing changes.“

Start small. One phrase. One routine. One moment of curiosity instead of correction. Because those tiny changes? They matter. They build safety, trust, and connection — the foundation your PDA child desperately needs.

And you don’t have to be perfect — just willing to try something different.

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If you’re parenting a neurodivergent child — perhaps autistic, ADHD, or both — you’ve most likely noticed something beautiful and maybe a bit puzzling:

“They get really, really into things, like they are obsessed” Is a quote from MANY of our parents!

We’re talking obsessed-level focus. Dinosaurs. Minecraft. Trains. Space. Slime. Maps. Washing machines. Ancient Egypt. Pokemon. Spinning things. Insects.One TV show — on repeat for months.

And maybe, at first, you may wonder… or even worry:

These are completely valid questions — but what if we flipped the script?

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What You’re Seeing Isn’t Just “Fixation” — It’s Monotropism and that’s AWESOME!

Monotropism is a theory that helps explain how many neurodivergent minds work. It means the brain tends to focus deeply on one thing at a time, rather than spreading attention across many things at once.

For many autistic and ADHD children, this isn’t just a preference — it’s how their brain is wired. Deep, focused interest in a specific topic helps them to feel safe, energised, and in control of their world. It’s precisely why I do what I do here at Awesome Archie. This is my monotropic interest and it’s heavenly for me!

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Why It’s Not Just “Obsessing” — It’s a strength!!!

We often hear words like fixated, stuck, or too much when talking about neurodivergent interests.

But , that intense love for a topic isn’t something to be “cured” or “managed.”
It can be a source of joy, connection, learning — and eventually, even career success.

Some of the world’s most creative, technical, and visionary thinkers have built lives around their so called “obsessions.”

Scientists who were obsessed with bugs as kids. Artists who spent hours hyper-focused on colour mixing. Programmers who memorised code at age 8.

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For a neurodivergent child, a special interest can:

It’s not about avoiding the world — it’s about finding a way into it.

So what can you do as a parent?

Instead of worrying about their deep interest, try:
✅ Joining in — ask them to teach you something
✅ Using it to build skills (writing, reading, drawing, researching)
✅ Finding community — clubs, forums, online groups
✅ Celebrating it — “I love how passionate you are about this!”

And if the interest does shift over time? That’s okay too. The pattern of deep diving into something still stays — and that’s where the magic is.

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Your child’s focused passion isn’t something to fix — it’s something to understand, support, and even admire. Monotropism doesn’t limit potential — it fuels it. It can be a treasure!

So next time your child wants to tell you every single fact about the Titanic, or the plot of a show you’ve already heard 100 times, take a breath and smile.

Because this might just be the beginning of something brilliant.

Navigating a child’s neurodivergent journey can be beautiful, challenging, and deeply emotional — especially when you and your partner aren’t on the same page. It’s important to say that Ian, my husband, has always been very open minded and trusting that I, as the full time parent, knew the kids. However, the support we put in place for the kids hasn’t always been agreed by us both. It’s important for us to share how we have navigated this and how we are fully on the same page now. It’s a marathon not a sprint people!

If you’re parenting a neurodivergent child (Autistic, ADHD, or otherwise) and your partner is struggling to accept or acknowledge the challenges your child faces, you are not alone. One of the most common (and frustrating) things parents hear in this situation is:

“Well, I do that too — it’s normal.”

It’s usually said so casually. Maybe defensively. Maybe with love. But it can feel dismissive — not just of your child’s experiences, but of yours too. This can cause real friction within your relationship as you can feel invalided.

So, how do you lovingly but firmly help your partner come to terms with your child’s neurodivergence? Well, here is what has worked for us when talking to family members, friends and colleagues. we hope it helps you too 🙂

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Start with Compassion and not with Conflict

Your partner is probably really scared. For many people, recognising neurodivergence in their child means grieving the expectations they didn’t even know they had. It can stir up old wounds and force unpleasant memories — especially if they see parts of themselves in your child.

You could always say…
“I know this is a lot to take in. I feel it too. But we can’t support our child properly unless we’re honest about what they need.”

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Validate Their Feelings and then Redirect

It’s okay to say:

“Yes, lots of people forget things or get overwhelmed. But what we’re seeing in our child is more intense, more frequent, and it’s affecting their daily life. That’s when it goes beyond what some may call “typical’”

Normalize the difference, not just the similarity.

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If you can, use Real-Life Examples Without Blame

Sometimes, partners need concrete moments to connect the dots.

“When we were at the birthday party and he hid under the table for 30 minutes — that wasn’t just being shy. That was sensory overload. And he needs support for that, not to be told off.”

Stick to observations, not labels. Let the reality speak louder than the potential diagnosis (at first).

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Offer Information Gently, Not as a Weapon

Throwing a stack of articles or diagnostic criteria at someone in denial rarely works. Instead, try offering one relatable video, a short article, or even a TikTok from a neurodivergent adult.

“I found this video helpful — it’s from someone who was diagnosed late and talks about how it affected their childhood. It really helped.”

Invite curiosity, don’t demand agreement.

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Be Clear About What Your Child Needs — and Why It Matters Now

Your child is growing. Early understanding = better support = healthier development.

“Whether we label it or not, our child is struggling. They need us to understand them before the world tries to misunderstand them.”

Frame it as proactive love, not some neuroscience lesson.

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Point to Progress, Not Perfection

Remind your partner this isn’t about “fixing” your child , THEY ARE NOT BROKEN!— it’s about understanding them so they can thrive.

“Neurodivergence isn’t a problem. Ignoring it can be.”

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Set Boundaries Where Needed

If your partner is repeatedly invalidating, mocking, or refusing to support necessary accommodations (like therapy, sensory tools, or school meetings), it’s okay to draw a line:

“This is not up for debate anymore. Our child’s needs are real, and I’m going to advocate for them — with or without your agreement.”

It doesn’t mean you stop inviting them in. But your child’s wellbeing comes first.

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Believe us when we say we know that it’s hard — emotionally, mentally, and relationally — when the person who should be your teammate is struggling to see what you see. But change doesn’t always happen overnight.

For more hints and tips, subscribe to our you tube channel 🙂

https://www.youtube.com/@awesomearchieautismsupport

The Zones of Regulation is a widely used framework designed to help children (and adults) better understand and manage their emotions, energy levels, and self-regulation. It’s especially helpful for neurodivergent children, including those with Autism, ADHD, and sensory processing differences.

We at Awesome Archie have created some FREE resources to support you. Simply watch the youtube vid linked below and screen grab or download and print the images for your school or home.

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The 4 Zones of Regulation:

Each zone is represented by a color and associated with different emotional and physical states.

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🔵 Blue Zone – Low State of Alert

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🟢 Green Zone – Just Right

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🟡 Yellow Zone – Heightened State

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🔴 Red Zone – Extremely Dysregulated

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🧠 Key Things to Remember:

This week marked a truly special moment in our family’s story — Daisy’s primary school leavers service and walk through the hockey sticks. It has been the kind of week that makes your heart swell and your eyes prickle, full of celebration, reflection, and so much love.

Watching Daisy walk into The Priory church — in her smart uniform, hair neatly plaited , eyes sparkling with excitement — I could hardly believe that we were here already. It feels like just yesterday she was clinging to my hand at the gates of Reception, her backpack WAY too big for her little shoulders. And now, here she is: standing tall, confident, kind, funny, and more ready than ever to take on her next adventure.

The leavers service was beautiful. Full of songs, readings and moments that will stay with us forever. Daisy beamed through it all, singing her heart out, exchanging hugs with her friends, and grinning with pride as she accepted her leavers bible. I could see how loved she is — by her friends, her teachers, and everyone who’s watched her grow these past seven years.

Her last school day began with a boat ride before school and ended with a proud and tearful walk through the hockey stick tunnel and a dip in the splash park wit the whole class!

It’s impossible not to feel a touch emotional — this is the end of an era. But more than anything, it was a celebration of all she’s achieved. Of the friendships she’s made. Of the bravery she’s shown. And of the incredible young person she’s becoming.

As September approaches, we’re feeling hopeful, happy, and deeply grateful. Hopeful for all the exciting things ahead — new teachers, new challenges, new friends to meet. Happy to see Daisy so ready and eager to spread her wings. And grateful to the amazing school community and teachers like Mr Swain and Miss Field that have nurtured her, cheered her on, and helped shape her into the bright star she is.

So here’s to Daisy, and to all the children taking their next big step. You’re more ready than you know. Secondary school, here she comes — full of joy, full of courage, and full of awesome promise.

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This week marked the end of a truly special chapter in Awesome Archie’s journey — one filled with personal growth, love, and transformation. As he leaves his current specialist school, we find ourselves filled with so many emotions: gratitude, sadness, pride, and hope.

From the moment Archie joined the Link (a specialist hub set in the grounds of broadstone middle school and run by the Winchelsea group) we knew he was in the right place.

This wasn’t just a school. It was a sanctuary. A place where qualifications were important, yes — but never the sole focus. This was a space built on understanding, patience, and purpose. A place that recognised potential not just in grades, but in smiles, in small steps, in confidence gained and challenges overcome.

Over the years, Archie has been nurtured in ways that go far beyond academics. He has learned life skills that will serve him for years to come — how to communicate, how to cope, how to believe in himself.

One of the things Archie loved most was his specialist class — a small, nurturing group where he felt seen, safe, and respected. They just understood him. They were patient with his needs, they listened to his opinions, and they never asked him to be anything other than himself. That kind of acceptance is rare, and it made all the difference..

He’s been surrounded by staff who truly saw him, celebrated him, and helped him to flourish. To all of those staff members, we say thanks. You have been INCREDIBLE from start to finish!

There were days of laughter and days of challenge, but every single moment added something to the wonderful young person he is becoming. To say we’re grateful feels like an understatement. We are forever grateful — for the kindness, the consistency, the creativity, and the unwavering support that your school community has offered our family.

And now, as Archie prepares to step into a new chapter, we carry all those memories and milestones with us. We are so sad to say goodbye to a place that has meant so much for so long — it’s emotional, to say the least. But we are also so proud of how far Archie has come, and so hopeful for what’s to come next.

To everyone who has played a part in this journey: thank you. From the bottom of our hearts.

Here’s to new beginnings — and to never forgetting the path that got us here.

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This week, the halls of William Gilpin school were bursting with colour, creativity, and community spirit as we were lucky enough to host a week-long Arts Week – all in support of the BEACH Appeal. This awesome event brought students, staff, and families together to celebrate artistic expression while raising much-needed funds for a vital cause.

From the very first day, excitement ( and paint) flowed through the classrooms. With Awesome Archie leading the charge, each day was packed with themed art activities tailored for every age group and ability. The kids enthusiastically explored everything from painting, sculpture, and charcoal sketching. They were AWESOME!

The sessions were filled with laughter, paint-splattered desks, dripping clay and moments of pure inspiration. Art is so much more than just drawing, it’s how we express who we are and how we can make a difference!

Fundraising with Heart 💛

The Arts Week wasn’t just about fun and creativity – it was a heartfelt mission to support the BEACH Appeal, a fundraising campaign aimed at enhancing children’s healthcare experiences. Through art sales, the school community rallied together to raise awareness and support.

The Grand Finale: A Dazzling Art Exhibition 🖼️

This truly AWESOME week culminated in a breathtaking Art Exhibition, where the school hall was transformed into a gallery . Every child had a piece of art on display, and the sheer diversity of ideas and talent was staggering. The parents then had the opportunity to collect the art in exchange for a small donation 🙂

From finger-painted plasters to intricate charcoal sketches, the artworks reflected not just skill, but emotion and meaning. We managed to raise around £250!! THANKYOU!!!

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Arts Week was more than just a school event – it was a reminder of the power of creativity to bring people together and to shine a light on important causes. HUGE thanks to William Gilpin school and the incredible efforts of students, staff, and families, the school not only nurtured young artists but also made a meaningful impact on the BEACH Appeal.

Here’s to art with heart – and to Archie, our awesome hero, for making it all happen.

@awesomearchie_

Arts week 2025- educating and fundraising on behalf of the BEACH appeal #fypageシ #adhd #autism #awesomearchie #awesomearchienonprofit #summer #beach #fundraiser #art #teachersoftiktok @UHDcharity

♬ original sound – 𝕃𝕪𝕣𝕚𝕔𝕤 – 𝕃𝕪𝕣𝕚𝕔𝕤

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This last week has been nothing short of incredible, filled with massive milestones, long awaited achievements, and heartwarming moments that have left us feeling both grateful and hopeful for the future. The last 6 months have not been plain sailing by any stretch but we are finishing the final push of the summer term on a real high and let me tell you, we are ready for a break!

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A Transformative Visit to the Autism & ADHD Show

Last weekend we had the privilege of attending the Autism & ADHD Show in London, and what an experience it was! Archie and I are not able to host an exhibition yet, as much as I would LOVE to, its way too much for Archie. Instead, we talk to exhibitors, listen to industry expert speakers and create content that will hopefully support our awesome families. The event was a treasure trove of information, support, and inspiration for families like ours. We explored innovative tools, therapies, and resources that promise to make a difference in the lives of neurodivergent individuals. This is definitely my happy place 🙂

The highlight for us was connecting with experts and fellow parents who truly understand the challenges and triumphs of raising a child with unique needs. Their insights were invaluable, and we left the event with renewed energy and ideas to support Archie and Herbie on their journey. Massive thanks to Dr Naomi Fisher who has armed us with an immense amount of support knowledge in the wonderful world of demand avoidance. We will be blogging a lot about this over the summer hols so do follow along.

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@awesomearchie_

Autism and ADHD show. We got to check out the senso cube 😍@Creative Activity #london #parents #teachers #advocate #parentsontiktok #neurodivergent #autism #mentalhealth #fy #fyp #pda Thanks so much to Dean for taking the time to talk to us.

♬ Soft, slow, cinematic background.(1302336) – Art Music Style

Winning our Appeal: A Victory for Archie.

One of the most challenging aspects of our family and educational journey has been fighting for Archie’s education and ensuring his needs are met. This is genuinely a full time job and so often you feel like you are going unheard. We know that most parents with neurodivergent children will have already, or will in the future, experience this. NOTHING is given on a platter and you have to advocate and push to know that your child is receiving the correct level of support for them. Happily after almost 7 months of persistence and determination, we are thrilled to share that we won our appeal!

This victory means that Archie has been accepted into a new school that is tailored to his needs, where he’ll receive the specialized support and nurturing environment he truly deserves. Knowing that he’ll have the tools and guidance to thrive has lifted an enormous weight off our shoulders. We can, for a little while at least…rest!

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None of this would have been possible without the incredible support system we’ve had throughout this process. To every friend, family member, professional, and organization that stood by us: thank you from the bottom of our hearts. WE DID IT!!!!

Your encouragement gave us the strength to keep pushing forward, even when the path seemed uncertain. From attending endless legal meetings and writing letters to simply lending an ear when we needed it most, your kindess has made a lasting impact on our family.

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As we celebrate these milestones, we’re also looking to the future with optimism. The Autism & ADHD Show gave us new tools and strategies, and Archie’s new school marks the start of a brighter chapter.

We hope our journey inspires others to never give up, to seek out the right resources, and to lean on their community for support. Together, we can create a world where every child has the opportunity to shine.

Thank you for being part of our story. Here’s to the next chapter in Archie’s journey!

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Lastly, Our Awesome Handbook

“The Awesome Handbook” is our latest book created as resource to help support neurodivergent families—especially those navigating PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), autism, and ADHD.

It is a deliberately “back to basics” overview for school staff and parents who are at the start of their learning journey or need a refresher. We have taken a lot of time to ensure that the fundamentals, basics and commonalities found in the DSM-5 criteria is adressed

( so many have no idea what that is….why would you unless you need to?)

In essence, the Awesome Handbook is not a conventional handbook you’d buy, but rather:

If you’re interested in getting involved, learning more, or supporting our work, the site and social accounts (Instagram @awesome_archie_official, etc.) are great places to start and if you would like to purchase this book click here ⬇

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/365697725527

This “PDA” post has been in the working stages for the last three years. The reason for this is because every time I try to write it , I learn a new fact or face a new challenge and of course we ALWAYS want to share the most accurate and most helpful information with you.

It’s taken me 3 years to accept that is no right or final answer. Supporting a child with a PDA profile is a never ending learning curve, one that has wonderful highs but also extremely painful lows. This post aims to share with you what is working for US in this moment in time! We can’t promise that everything will work in your family dynamic or school, but it’s worth a read and maybe try a few of these tips we’ve learned on our journey so far. .

Herbie, our third son is neurodivergent. He was unable to see until he was 9 weeks old because he had delayed visual maturation and it was very obvious from the get got that he is an AuDHDer . His beautiful autistic brain didn’t really start to negatively impact him until he was around 11. Up until this point, his social challenges and quirky nature had always been seen as funny or just different. Secondary school has sadly changed all that.

Herbie’s school is brilliant and he has so much support from the SEN team, but being “different” in mainstream senior is tough! Throw PDA into the mix and as you can imagine, he faces daily challenges. We are IMMENSELY proud of him.

PDA, or Pathological Demand Avoidance ( we are not keen on the title) is a profile that some autistic individuals present with. In it’s simplest description, Herbie has an intense need to control situations and resists even seemingly reasonable requests. This avoidance is driven by his extreme anxiety and an absolute NEED to maintain a sense of autonomy. 

It is EXTREMELY complex and individualized!

For Herbie we have learned to…

Shift our mindset. Supporting a child with PDA is NOT being taught in any parenting class or delivered in any standard parenting or teacher training package. You are on your own and so if you are waiting for outside help to swoop in and rescue you, they wont. We learned about Herbie’s needs, did our research and shifted our way of thinking to meet them.

Recognise a lack of hierarchy. It isn’t meant to be disrespect or a disregard for authority , it’s his brain type. Herbie see everyone as equals and is extremely sensitive to justice / injustice.

Collaboration is key. If we are trying to teach while following a curriculum or support as parents, allow your child to have autonomy where ever possible, ie shift lessons/ chores around using a TA or a family member to allow for more flexibility.

Remember that silent demands are still demands. Herbie struggles with the demands that he places upon himself! This means that he can meltdown seemingly out of nowhere, but things will have been bubbling under the surface and we were unaware.

Visual resources in school and at home will need tweaking so options are available with suitable preset / pre-approved options.

Talk about the non negotiables. Safety and the Law are ours at home and in school.

Trust is key and this means that you have to lay the groundwork. Don’t say something unless you can honor it! Herbie is anxious enough, he needs to know that he’s not going to be let down by the people he trusts.

For Herbs, praise and incentives commonly don’t help in fact they can make things worse. We tell him we love him and that we are proud of him everyday but that is where the praise ends. He doesn’t like the attention that praise brings and it can often make him sad, overwhelmed or angry.

In the school day there is often a huge amount of hidden anxiety due to masking. Children with a PDA profile are often incredible maskers. This mask will often come off at home and is the main cause of his school absence. Herbs is exhausted a lot of the time.

We use humor and a bit of silliness. It seems to help reduce his anxiety. We also try to keep communication open to reduce crossed wires and we respect him when he says “I cant do this ” We NEVER say “yes you can.” If he is telling us that he cant, we respect it and reshape it to make it more manageable for him.

This PDA post will undoubtedly be the first of many on our learning journey. Each day is new and different and some days are… well, rubbish! As his Mum I am learning to support him the best way I can but it is not easy. We hope that this will help your family and schools too 🙂

WE DID IT, we are on Patreon!!!!

Honestly, if you’d have told us 5 years ago that by 2025 we would have thousands of followers, have written 5 childrens books, have gained multiple qualifications and get to work with the people like the BBC we’d have thought you were hallucinating!!!

Archie and I set out to support the neurodivergent community during the dreaded homechool period of lockdown and voila….an exciting and ever changing journey began for us and we are FOREVER GREATFUL!

THANKYOU!!!!!

Over the last half decade I have worked relentlessly and it is now starting to catch up with me. Of course “Awesome Archie” is mine and Archie’s ” baby” but in reality it’s me that’s pulling the 9-5 , 5 days a week ( for free) so that Archie can just be a kid and more widely understood 😍

The online world, particually when you share alot on open platforms can be a harsh and at times, an upsetting place. Particually when you are sharing the very intimate parts of your life just to support others. Hence our BRAND new venture – Awesome Archie SEN Support on Patreon.

Patreon is a subscription-based platform that lets professional content creators, massive businesses, and everyone in between receive direct payment for their content, products, and services. The platform was built to bridge the gap between creators and their fans, fittingly called patrons. It’s got much more popular over the years, but the mission statement still rings true — Patreon doesn’t run on ad revenue or clicks. Rather, patrons subscribe to get closer to the creators they love, while creators leverage Patreon’s paid membership and commerce tools to deliver great content and subscription packages.

But we do want to make something VERY clear. Our Non Profit work is not going anywhere. As a non profit things will remain unchanged, this is just a way of potentially carving out a financially viable business (for our when our gorgeous Archie reaches 21) who could otherwise most likely be unemployable . Latest statistics show that only 15 % of autistic adults are in full time work and only 9% are in part time and this is mostly NOT THEIR FAULT. Archie was born into a world that largely doesn’t “get him” BUT WE DO!!!!

We would LOVE you to come and join us on our new venture. There is a free tier that everyone can join but, to get the exclusives, the behind the scenes footage( working with the BBC again soon) and to hear ALL major announcements simply join as a subscription member.

For just £5 per month ( same price as a coffee!) you will receive “monthly members” free downloadable content and resources ( perfect for parents and teachers!!!) , EXCLUSIVE content, Archie’s own videos and NO ADS!! We have access to some of the most incredible industry professionals and so if you are a parent, carer, teacher , support worker or simply want to unlearn more about the awesome neurodivergent brain then Awesome Archie SEN support it the site for you!

Here is the link, please do check it out 🙂 ⬇

https://patreon.com/AwesomeArchieSENsupport?utm_medium=unknown&utm_source=join_link&utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator&utm_content=copyLink